Let’s have a review while the disappointment is still fresh, shall we?
Tonight I had a hankering for some gooey, light, yeasty cinnamon rolls. Nowadays, I don’t get sweet treats like these, and it’s the time of year for being decadent. I didn’t want to make them from scratch, I don’t have that kind of time. So I pulled a page out of my Mom’s book and picked up a blue tube of Pillsbury Cinnabon Cinnamon Rolls. I remember these puffing up golden and yeasty, so they will do to sate the cinnamon and frosting beast.
I open the tube and am greeted by cinnamon “rolls” that are falling apart and look like they’ve been cut by a drunk person. Great. Are these expired? Nope. Date says they are practically fresh.
Looks Can Be Deceiving, Right?
Maybe it’s just an off batch, and I can arrange them into some semblance of a cinnamon roll before baking. After a little bit of dough Tetris, the falling-apart pieces stay in shape.
I follow the simple baking directions, but they don’t smell right. You know what I’m talking about. You bake a batch of yeasty delicious cinnamon-laden pinwheels, and the house smells like a beautiful cinnamon bakery. That isn’t the smell I’m getting. There’s barely a smell at all. Time to triple check: No they are not expired, and yes I am following the directions to the letter. Oven at 350? Check. In a greased square baking pan? Check. Cooked for 29 minutes? Check.
29 minutes is up! They aren’t even close to brown. Back into the oven for 5 more minutes. Still barely any smell. At the end of my 5 minutes, they are still barely browned. What the heck was going on with these things?
I gently tap the outer layer of one of them with the back of a spoon. Sounds hollow–outside is definitely done. I look at the inner swirl and notice it looks very dry. I tapped the inner swirl. Sounds like the outside layer. That’s not right. The inner swirl of a cinnamon roll is supposed to be moist and gooey. Not tap-tap-tap hard! Have I baked them too long? No, they’re barely browned.
I throw my hands up in frustration and reach for the cream cheese frosting. Upon opening it, I notice that it doesn’t look like cream cheese frosting. I stick a knife in it, and it doesn’t behave like cream cheese frosting either. Par for the course. I grudgingly frost them and serve one up.
I pull off that beginning outer layer, and bite down. My mouth was flooded with the disgusting taste of a Pillsbury biscuit and cinnamon. Now I have moved from disappointed and frustrated to outright disgusted. Going for the ultimate test, I dove a fork into the middle and pulled out the center swirl. Biscuits. These disgusting cinnamon “rolls” are made with biscuit dough. I am now very pissed off. I want cinnamon ROLLS, not Cinnamon BISCUITS. Puzzled, I check the wrapping from the tube. Yes they were calling these horrid abominations Cinnamon Rolls. Cinnabon branded, no less. They don’t even come close to the heavenly flavor and aroma of a Cinnabon Cinnamon roll.
Pillsbury has this distinct acrid, salty, sour biscuit dough that can’t be missed. Hide it how you want to, I can always tell when it’s a Pillsbury biscuit. They are nasty, and I will make my own biscuit dough before I use Pillsbury’s dough.
I do not enjoy the flavor or texture of biscuits.
My much-anticipated delicious treat is a $5 can of biscuits. Of all of the giant fuck you’s from food manufacturers, this is a rather nasty one. I can deal with Cadbury mangling the creme egg to a grainy nasty mess. I can deal with Hershey making some of the most acidic chocolate on the market. I will deal with Pillsbury the same way I deal with these other cost-cutting, lazy, out of touch companies. You get not one cent more from me and I will blast your pathetic products on my review site that nobody reads! Take that corporate America!
Rating: 0 out of 10. Poor quality product and false advertising. Cinnamon rolls are a yeast dough product. Biscuits are not a yeast dough. How do you sleep at night? Oh, right. On a pillow stuffed with cash.
I can get a more authentic Cinnabon taste from the Taco Bell drive through.